Well, I did it. I finally turned in my resignation letter to the board of my church. I am officially no longer a deacon. I know, I posted a blog one day last week about not quitting and I'm doing exactly the opposite. I did this a couple months ago unofficially but now it's official. I feel like a burden has been lifted from me, but at the same time, I feel like I've failed my Lord. I had been a deacon for almost three years but I never felt as though I should have been. About a week before my ordination I tried to tell someone that I didn't think that I was ready to take on the responsibility of being a deacon but I allowed myself to be talked into it. I kinda wanted to, but I knew that I shouldn't. Well, wanted to won. I started out well but quickly began to fail at my duties. Then came the horrible facebook argument (flat out fight is more like it) which only further proved that I had no business being a church leader. I acted like a heathen instead of a leader of the church, and for that, I feel terrible.
I always felt kinda funny at the board meetings. Talking about the business side of the church always made me feel a little yucky. It has to be done, but I can hardly take care of my own business, so how am I supposed to take care of the church's? I hated being the head of a committee and dreaded any committee meetings (that's why I didn't really have any). Most of the people at my church are plenty older than me and have been there for a long time, and I felt very insecure about asking my elders to do anything. It just didn't feel proper.
The responsibility of being a deacon is huge and should be looked upon that way. I just wasn't up to it. I have so much to learn about applying the word of God. It's easy to read the bible, and it's easy to quote scripture and sound like your "well rounded" in the word of God, but it's a totally different thing to truly live, or try to live according to God's word. If I couldn't set that example, I had no right to be a leader.
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