I've been thinking about my childhood today, and I can remember how fast I wanted to grow up. I did everything that I thought was grown up at a very early age. From my first cigarette to the first time I had sex and everything in between. I'm all grown up now and I desperately wish I could take most of it back. While I was doing all of my "grown up" things I wasn't growing up at all, in fact I was just staying a perpetual child in a mans body. I'm experiencing and feeling things now, at the age of thirty eight, that I probably should have when I was in my early twenties and I don't have anybody to blame but myself. My job is to be the head of my household and sometimes I feel as if I'm anything but. My main purpose is to be the spiritual leader of my family and I think that, more often than not, I'm failing miserably.
This is a hard walk. Anyone that claims that it's not, isn't really walking it. The nature of man is to do it his way, which is why this world is in the shape it's in. I've lived most of my life trying to do it my way and I've made a terrible mess of things to put it nicely. I still give my troubles over to Jesus only to take them right back and start trying to solve them on my own again. If I could just learn to let it go and keep gone.... If I could just forgive myself for my shortcomings and failures.... My sin is as far from me as the east is from the west, I know it, I believe it, but I can't seem to break away from the memory of it and live the life that He wants me to live.
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