I seem to be in a bit of a rut lately. I'm just having a hard time being happy about a much of anything. I know that anybody reading this might be quick to wonder what kind of crazy Christian I am. I'm up and down, basically, all over the place. I wish I could be like those people that you see who are so happy in their faith. You know, the ones who seem like nothing bothers them, as if they're on some sort of happy pills or something. I can't do that or be that and sometimes it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I faking my faith and that's why I can't stroll through life smiling and grinning at everybody; telling them about how they could be the same way if they would just accept Jesus? I lose my temper, I cuss sometimes (more than I would like to admit lately), I worry, I doubt, I feel inferior, I hurt peoples feelings sometimes, and I let them hurt mine. I'm struggling to be happy with my job that hardly supports us and I feel like a basic failure as a husband and father. Crap, my garden won't even grow right! (I just had to throw that in, I desperately needed the giggle) All these things that I've just listed are truly the way I am and what I feel. I keep waiting for that slap in the head from the Lord to tell me what I'm good at and what He wants from me so I can get busy doing it. Maybe then I'll get that always smiling, never ruffled, high on Jesus attitude.
I try so hard to see the glass as half full, and for a while I seem to be able to but then something changes in me, almost like a switch (it must be a self destruct switch) that makes me see it as half empty and then the snowball starts rolling. Does anybody else go through this or am I just crazy?
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