While at work yesterday I thought I felt the Holy Spirit talking to me. I got this idea to get a big piece of cardboard and write something on it offering to pray for people, and go out and sit in the median with the sign, notebook, bible, and some gospels of John. So I woke up this morning and did my bible reading which happened to be John fourteen and fifteen. Well John 14:14 says "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it."
Well, He must really want me to do this I thought, so I grabbed my bible and ten gospels of John and went to the store to buy a good, wide writing, marker and a notebook. I went out to the van and made a sign that says "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." John 14:14 I don't want your money I want to pray for you!
I was very excited and raring to go, so I drove to a busy intersection and backed my van into the closest parking spot I could find and sat there scared to death for almost a half an hour. Why? What is so scary about offering to pray for people? I saw all of those cars and the people in them and was absolutely petrified. I thought about getting made fun of, spit on, arrested, or worse yet, I might have to talk to someone and screw up. I have often thought that those people begging for money at intersections had no gumption or courage to go out and work but I didn't have the courage to just sit with a sign. I never in a million years thought that it would be such a scary thing, in fact I thought it would be a breeze. I tried do conjure up the courage three times today and three times I failed. The last time I thought what if my neighbors or people I work with see me and don't read the sign. They'll think I'm out here pan-handling; I certainly don't want that, so again I came home with my tail between my legs.
I'm really upset with myself today. I feel as if I'm the biggest fake on the face of the earth! I sit here in the comfort of my home behind this computer and complain about the church not doing what we're supposed to do and can't or won't do anything to change it. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've done something like this. Almost every time I feel a calling or urging from the Holy Spirit, I wimp out as soon as it starts to get uncomfortable. I'm so tired of failing! I'm so tired of being afraid to serve! I don't have any right to blast people for not serving if I'm the same way. If I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem, and right now, I'm just part of the problem. Just another stinking hypocrite.
Lessons learned. Now that you know where you lack you can ask God to help you fix it. It is the devil that is putting that fear in you. The devil knows your weakness and he is using it to make you feel unworthy and bad about yourself. Don't let him win. Take baby steps. Since I am not very good at speaking to strangers or in public...I found a way to help and spread God's word. I pack brown bags with a drink, a granola bar, a piece of candy, and one of the Pocket Gospel of John books. I keep them in my vehicle and if I see a homeless person I give them one of the bags with a smile and a God Bless you. As I drive away I say a prayer for them. I am able to spread God's word in a way that I feel comfortable. When God feels I am ready He will put me in a different position to help Him bring others to Him... but for now ... this is one of the ways I do it.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps... and ask God to help you and show you what He wants you to do.